thinking

So I've realized a few things lately. One is that I have a lot of time here, more than I do when I'm at home. That's obviously partly because I'm a lot busier at home, while here I can't work (visa restrictions that really suck) and my class takes up a lot less of my time. So I can think. Whether I'm thinking about whether or not the Papacy and Empire were weak or strong on the eve of the Reformation or about home, I'm thinking. Fairly often I think about wanting to be home. It's not an epidemic or anything, which is really why I'm posting it here and not on the other blog. There are quite a few people who would freak out just a bit too much about a statement like that ('I wish I was home sometimes') and I just don't really want to deal with the sad emails/comments I'd get from it when I'm not really all that homesick, just a little. So yeah, I get homesick on a consistent basis. Lately I've started thinking about why that happens instead of just sitting there wanting to be at home. I think I've figured it out, too. At least partly. I think the biggest reason I wish I was home is that it would (obviously) be easier. But not just easier because I'd be at home, obviously my school work wouldn't be easier and I'd have to be working a lot and I'd be doing stuff with church, so my life wouldn't seem to be that much easier. But it would be easier in that here I feel totally helpless a lot of the time. Not totally helpless, but much moreso than before. When I'm at home, I've realized, even when things are crazy and I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure or I don't know how things are going to work out, I still feel pretty much in control. At least more than when I'm here. I don't really know what exactly it is that I feel helpless about, but there is certainly a feeling of weakness here, since everything is so different and everyone is new. I take great comfort in the fact that one month is over and it went pretty fast. It's weird, though, because it's not like I don't enjoy myself or that I'm not having a good time, it's just so different, ya know? I'm not sure if you all realize it or not, but this is pretty much just me thinking out loud here, working through my thoughts 'audibly' if you will, so they're kinda confusing. But this is what I'm saying, it's not a concrete feeling, it's just this abstract thing that I can't quite get a hold of. The long and short of it is that when I'm homesick it's primarily because I don't have the control I'm used to. That shouldn't come as a huge surprise, maybe I just didn't expect it to be as different as it is. In any case when I was wandering around today thinking about it I was just struck by how confident I am at home and how much less I am (in my mind, I don't think it comes across to others - for better or worse) now that I'm here. Even the slightly different culture of England from America is enough to really unnerve a person. Just thought I'd share that with ya'll. It's important for me to get across that I'm having a good time, and I don't really not want to be here, it's just that life seems like it would be so much easier if I was back home. Maybe that's something I need to learn while I'm here and maybe it's something that could teach me something else in the near (or not-so-near) future. Either way, it's something.